I spent 5 years of my life attending university. I worked hard... like insanely hard. I majored in Education and I was shocked at the amount of work that was required. I had to write lessons plans on how to write lesson plans. I had classes on how to teach classes. I had to take a music class, a PE class and an art class on how to be a musical, PE, art teacher. When I finally finally graduated I was so proud of myself. I had earned my degree and after all my work and five long years, I became a teacher.

It only took 35 minutes for me to become a mother. It was a fast, hysterical time and totally insane. And I wouldn't call it my finest moment either. I wasn't proud of this accomplishment.  I was pretty sure my baby wasn't going to survive and I was pretty mad about it.

People immediately started congratulating us and I was stunned. Seriously? Getting congratulated on having a premature baby is like thanking someone for rear ending you. It just doesn't work. I felt like I was being applauded for having an incompetent cervix and being too stupid to realize that I had been having contractions for weeks now. I mean the last two days I had been IN LABOR and I had no clue.  

The rest of the night was weird.  The doctor from the NICU called and explained what was going on with Logan. I was totally confused and overwhelmed so I just mumbled a few things and hung up. I remember being hooked up to a breast pump early early in the morning and I almost laughed at the teeny amount of milk I got. I was told that pumping was one of the main things I could do to help Logan. The lactation specialist said I was producing liquid gold and needed to be sure to save every single drop. I was also totally humiliated that the nurse just pulled my gown off and poked and squeezed my boobs like it was a normal thing to do. In reality that was just the beginning. Over the next three months my poor boobs would be seen and touched and squished by most of the NICU staff and even some of Logan's doctors.

After breakfast I starting getting antsy about being in the hospital. I wanted to leave but at the same time I just wanted to forget everything that had happened. I wanted to get up and I wanted to go back to sleep. Grayson was supposed to come get me later in the afternoon so we could go see Logan but I also thought about just staying in the hospital and avoiding whatever was going on with him. The doctor and nurse both suggested that I stay another night and get better. They still had no idea why I went into preterm labor and I was not feeling well. However I had a nagging feeling that I needed to go see my baby. I was so unprepared for what I saw.

Where has the time gone?

I feel like I have been waiting for this day to come for a while and it kinda snuck up on me.  It has been 6 months to the day that Little Logan came into my life and I never knew that there was such a loving feeling that was so strong. I absolutely and incredibly love this child more than words can describe. I finally understand why parents with crazy loud annoying toddlers think their kids are adorable and why my parents still like me after what I put them through in high school.  It is the best feeling and it is growing everyday...just like Logan!

The first three months of Logan's life were horrible to say the least. There were good days and mostly ok days but there were a lot of bad days too. I still haven't even fully relaxed and accepted the fact that Logan is pretty healthy because for so long he wasn't. And he still has his bad days where he can't poop or he throws up or he has a strangulated hernia that requires emergency surgery. And I still freak out over the little things too like when he doesn't finish his bottle or take a long nap. I hope that he is growing and getting strong and maybe one day I will relax but then again maybe I never will. Even as I am writing this Grayson asked me if I remembered how we weren't allowed to touch Logan's skin when he was first born because it was like wet tissue paper and would fall right off. And that brought back a million memories and gets me all worried again.

Each day I am just in awe that Logan is here in my life and that the Lord trusts me enough to raise this precious baby. This morning I just sat and stared at him while I fed him. When did he get so big? I mean he literally looks like a normal baby. His legs are longer and he is filling out again in his face. When we left the NICU everyone commented on Logan's double chin but he soon lost that and slimmed down a lot. He hasn't been gaining weight like he is suppose to so we are still fortifying his milk and adding a multivitamin as well. But there is no doubt he is growing. And I just barely noticed. 

I am so happy that Logan has done so well since his last hospital stay. It just goes to prove I was right about his whole bowels being screwed up and worrying like crazy when he first came home. He screamed when he tried to poop and was fussy and wouldn't sleep. Everyone blew me off and said there was nothing wrong. Then he ended up in the emergency room and was booked for immediate surgery. Since he has mostly healed from the surgery he is a different baby. And this whole mother thing is starting to be fun.

I started this post intending to make it short and sweet about Logan's progress but my mind just goes into overdrive. So now back to the point I was trying to get to. Logan is 6 months old and is the cutest little 3 month old ever.

He is now smiling a lot more and does it even when he's not getting his diaper changed.
He is eating about 3 oz. every two to three hours.
He is finally growing out of the newborn size and fits comfortably into his 0-3 month clothes. The 3 month clothes are still a bit too long.
He can track things with his eyes and sort of reaches out for toys.
He goes to sleep around 9 or 10 p.m. and wakes up once in the night to be fed. He is then up at 5 or 6 a.m. and spends an hour grunting and growling while he tries to poop and wake up for the day. He sleeps well in the swing but I am up every single hour to check on him. I even have a little flashlight on my dresser that I shine on him to make sure he isn't blue or uncomfortable.
He takes 30 minute naps in the morning which gives me just enough time to wash bottles or pump, brush my teeth and get dressed.
His eyes are big and beautiful. He never had blue eyes like I thought all babies did. They were dark grey and are now turning more green.
He has lost every lick of hair on his head besides the stuff around his ears. He had such a full head of hair when he was born and now he is almost bald. When he is hot or moving around a lot he looks like a mad scientist with little tufts sticking out the side.
He has pretty much quit breastfeeding (sob) because my milk supply has gone way down since he came home from the hospital. I barely had time to pump while Gray was at work because I was holding Logan all the time and he was still learning how to nurse. I wish now I would have been more persistent with nursing but I was so stuck on getting him the correct amount of milk that he had been taking in the hospital and it was easier to know what he was eating when it's in a bottle.
He has been rolling over from his front to his back since he came home from the hospital but is now trying to go from back to front.
He makes me laugh daily and I cannot wait for more time with my little man!

Love you Logan!

 Logan's first week home from the NICU

 Passport Photo

 Loving his toys

 Melting Mommy's heart

  Slimmed down after being home for 3 months.

Happy 3/6 months Baby Boy!!

Mama Smart

It is always wonderful to have my mom here. She has been incredible these past few months coming and going and helping with Logan. She was there two days after I delivered him and stayed for three weeks. She then came for a few days after Christmas with my dad and then again in February when we thought Logan was going to be coming home (insert major infection following surgery and 10 additional days in the hospital) She also came with my dad in April for Logan's baby blessing and she has now graced us with her presence again this week. I love it and it will be nice to be closer to them soon.

It's funny but I have noticed a few things around here since my mom has been visiting so much. Like how we both leave the cupboard doors open in the kitchen. Gray sometimes gets on my case for doing it but he can't now cause he doesn't know if it was me or my mom! Haha.



She also wakes up at 5:30 am every morning because she is still on Mountain time. It's nice because I can bring Logan out and they can party on and play while I get some more sleep... Bonus!

She likes to cook and is really good at it. Grayson pointed out to me that sometimes when I start a recipe I get distracted or ask a few questions and before long my mom has taken over and finishes the meal. And really I don't mind at all.

Once she rearranged my ziploc containers and for weeks after I couldn't find a single lid that matched up. And then she packed up all my craft stuff and my favorite scissors were MIA until I frantically unpacked everything because I had a thread that was bugging me. She also leaves the toaster out and crumbs on the counter. She will eventually clean it up but it drives me nuts cause I have just trained Gray to wipe up his crumbs. And the worst worst thing ever is how my kitchen looks like a tornado blew through after leaving her alone for an afternoon.

She does my laundry and folds my undies exactly how I like them. She babysits so Gray and I can go on a much needed date. And she encourages me to communicate better with my hubs and to not be dressed like a bag lady when he comes home from work.

She takes me shopping and picks up the tab when I claim I am broke (which I really am) and she buys Logan prizes and clothes cause they are so cute.

She micro manages my dad's office and her other 4 children while she is with me but I hardly notice because she manages to make me feel like I am her main priority. 

She changes poopy diapers and hardly bats an eye when Logan pees on her. She holds Logan when he starts to cry and walks him in circles or long strolls around the neighborhood so he settles down. And she didn't complain when her feet are shredded after a particularly long walk because she really wanted to try out her new shoes. She is patient with him when he refuses to finish his bottle and dresses him in warm outfits so he doesn't get cold. She thinks he is the most adorable baby and she appropriately takes pics of him every couple of hours to send to my family to remind them about how adorable he is. She has kissed and hugged and loved my little baby as much as I have and she proudly accepts the name grandma even though I hardly consider her old enough to be one. She supports me and loves me and still helps me with my hair and I couldn't ask for a better mother! I am so lucky. And my kitchen will recover!

Problem Child...

I knew right away that Logan was going to be a problem child. I mean he had come into my life way too early after I had asked and begged and pleaded with him to not to. I was nowhere near ready for a baby let alone a small, sick one.  I mean I assumed he was small.  All I saw was a little blue foot. I clearly remember that but then the details get muddled. Logan was whisked away by the nurses to a table where they immediately started working on him. The nurse by my bedside was trying to reassure me and get me to calm down. I heard a little squeak. The nurse smiled at me and told me that my baby was trying to cry. I heard the sound again and it was like a small kitten. There was no way that was a baby crying. It was so sad and pathetic. I looked for Logan. He was surrounded by a lot of people including the anesthesiologist. I think Grayson was still beside me holding my hand. I felt much better than before but I was still in total shock about everything. Did I really just have a baby? This couldn't be happening to me. It was all so surreal. I never even considered that I would have a premature baby so I had no clue what was in store. I remember all these people surrounding Logan for quite a while before he was taken from the room. The doctor came in and got ready for me to deliver my placenta. It was ironic because she was so calm and acted like everything was normal. Uh did she realize she had missed the main event?

I remember my placenta taking FOREVER to come out. It took longer than it did to deliver Logan and by then I was anxious and nervous and freaking out all over again. I called my mom and told her I had my baby. I could hear the worry in her voice and she told me she would get a flight the next day. Grayson called his family and then left to go be with Logan. I was able to go see my baby a little later. He was covered in saran wrap and was so so tiny. I put my finger under his hand and his whole hand fit around my first knuckle. His palm was the size of a nickle.  I then had to go back to bed but the nurses promised to let me see Logan again before he left. There was a transport team on its way because he had to go to a different hospital where they had the staff and equipment to help him. The hospital where I delivered didn't have a breathing tube small enough for Logan so they had to wait for the transport team to come before they could hook him up to a ventilator. The whole time they had a small oxygen mask over him. It covered his whole head because he was so little.  When I saw Logan again he was in a huge incubator with a tube down his throat. I cried because he looked so bad. His skin was see through and I could see his heart beating on his chest. Every time it beat his chest sunk down around his heart and he looked hollow. They were taking Logan away and Grayson wanted a picture of his new little family. I was appalled. There was no way I was going to take a picture with this small baby. It was a waste of time. The nurses and doctors had work to do. They had to save Logan because he was not doing well at all. I finally agreed to smile for a couple pictures and then Logan was gone.  Grayson left shortly after to go with Logan and then I was alone.

I felt so weird. I hadn't connected yet with this child but I felt miserable for him. He was struggling to breath and live and I was so sad that he was hurting so much. But at the same time I didn't really understand that Logan was mine. I didn't know if he was going to survive and I didn't want to get attached.  I never got to hold Logan on my chest and have that bonding moment that we had been told about just that morning. I had never felt so utterly defeated and empty. I was by myself and I finally just had a good long cry. I sobbed. I was sore from the delivery and my heart was just broken. I cried for the three and half months of pregnancy I would now miss and for the mornings of sleeping in I wouldn't get anymore. I cried for the Christmas holiday we would surely miss at home now and I cried for all the things that would never get done. But mostly I cried for Logan. He wasn't Logan yet...he didn't have a name. He was just a poor, sad little baby that came too soon. And I wasn't ready.