Problem Child...

I knew right away that Logan was going to be a problem child. I mean he had come into my life way too early after I had asked and begged and pleaded with him to not to. I was nowhere near ready for a baby let alone a small, sick one.  I mean I assumed he was small.  All I saw was a little blue foot. I clearly remember that but then the details get muddled. Logan was whisked away by the nurses to a table where they immediately started working on him. The nurse by my bedside was trying to reassure me and get me to calm down. I heard a little squeak. The nurse smiled at me and told me that my baby was trying to cry. I heard the sound again and it was like a small kitten. There was no way that was a baby crying. It was so sad and pathetic. I looked for Logan. He was surrounded by a lot of people including the anesthesiologist. I think Grayson was still beside me holding my hand. I felt much better than before but I was still in total shock about everything. Did I really just have a baby? This couldn't be happening to me. It was all so surreal. I never even considered that I would have a premature baby so I had no clue what was in store. I remember all these people surrounding Logan for quite a while before he was taken from the room. The doctor came in and got ready for me to deliver my placenta. It was ironic because she was so calm and acted like everything was normal. Uh did she realize she had missed the main event?

I remember my placenta taking FOREVER to come out. It took longer than it did to deliver Logan and by then I was anxious and nervous and freaking out all over again. I called my mom and told her I had my baby. I could hear the worry in her voice and she told me she would get a flight the next day. Grayson called his family and then left to go be with Logan. I was able to go see my baby a little later. He was covered in saran wrap and was so so tiny. I put my finger under his hand and his whole hand fit around my first knuckle. His palm was the size of a nickle.  I then had to go back to bed but the nurses promised to let me see Logan again before he left. There was a transport team on its way because he had to go to a different hospital where they had the staff and equipment to help him. The hospital where I delivered didn't have a breathing tube small enough for Logan so they had to wait for the transport team to come before they could hook him up to a ventilator. The whole time they had a small oxygen mask over him. It covered his whole head because he was so little.  When I saw Logan again he was in a huge incubator with a tube down his throat. I cried because he looked so bad. His skin was see through and I could see his heart beating on his chest. Every time it beat his chest sunk down around his heart and he looked hollow. They were taking Logan away and Grayson wanted a picture of his new little family. I was appalled. There was no way I was going to take a picture with this small baby. It was a waste of time. The nurses and doctors had work to do. They had to save Logan because he was not doing well at all. I finally agreed to smile for a couple pictures and then Logan was gone.  Grayson left shortly after to go with Logan and then I was alone.

I felt so weird. I hadn't connected yet with this child but I felt miserable for him. He was struggling to breath and live and I was so sad that he was hurting so much. But at the same time I didn't really understand that Logan was mine. I didn't know if he was going to survive and I didn't want to get attached.  I never got to hold Logan on my chest and have that bonding moment that we had been told about just that morning. I had never felt so utterly defeated and empty. I was by myself and I finally just had a good long cry. I sobbed. I was sore from the delivery and my heart was just broken. I cried for the three and half months of pregnancy I would now miss and for the mornings of sleeping in I wouldn't get anymore. I cried for the Christmas holiday we would surely miss at home now and I cried for all the things that would never get done. But mostly I cried for Logan. He wasn't Logan yet...he didn't have a name. He was just a poor, sad little baby that came too soon. And I wasn't ready.