Officially Obsessed

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret....I am kinda self conscious. Yep I am sometimes excessively conscious of my appearance. Sometimes I even worry about what message I am sending others. Do they think I am nice or mean? Pretty or not? Funny or so not funny? I think we all have a little bit of this feeling inside but lately mine has surfaced a lot more than usual.

I guess it all started in 2nd grade... I don't think I cared about what I looked like or what I did back then. I was a carefree child with fuzzy hair and second hand clothes andI thought I was a princess. I was even convinced I was named after one (I can't remember if I ever actually asked my mom if I was....I just told everyone that and I'm gonna stick to that story) Anyway back to 2nd grade. My elementary school had a loft where you could climb up a ladder and read books on pillows and relax. There was a pole that you could slide down too. It was there that I first learned about what a period was (the non grammatical kind) and I rejected the first boy who ever had a crush on me (I now regret that cause he was so totally cute by 6th grade) But one day something happened. I fell down the ladder and hit every rung with my two front teeth. I think I knocked myself around enough that my self consciousness got loose. Suddenly I was tragically aware of how I looked...which is understandable since my teeth now looked like Goofy's and my face was swollen and sore. However soon enough my scars were healed and I was kind of back to my worry free self.

My appearance changed dramatically over the years. My favorite outfit in 4th grade was a tye dyed shirt with fluorescent pink leggings and multicolored socks and shoes (dude it was the late 80s) By 6th grade I was a blue jean girl with a love for graphic T's (my personal fave was the one that said "If it wasn't for boys, I quit school") In 8th grade I got my first pair of Lucky Jeans which were $80 and counted for two birthdays. It was also when I was a full grown nerd with glasses and braces. Those were the years when I again became extremely aware of what I looked like. A little more self consciousness leaked out. But again I was still a princess and would overcome. I started to get really good looking in 10th grade and I experienced my first kiss, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. For the next few years of high school I was totally cool with my appearance. A few more kisses and heartbreaks brought me to my senior year where I excelled in wearing sweats and plain T's while still appearing pretty. I even had a real life 6 pack from the 200 sit ups I did everynight and the occasional rollerblade around Henderson. In college I managed to be the co founder of the Date Every State Program (Stick up, Renee!) and I ran wild among the love birds.

But I guess I got careless... I never washed my face and I ate Pringles and candy corn late into the night (in my defense I was a sleep eater as much as a sleep walker and talker). The pounds slowly appeared but vansihed as soon as I started to do something about them. It was then that I developed a slightly gray shade on my afore mentioned front teeth. My poor tooth had finally died after years of whiteness. It was at that time that I started checking myself out in the mirror more. I bought whitening strips and toothpaste. I cried alone in the night at the loss of my near perfection and it all went down hill from there. I gained a little weight and bit my nails more. I began to notice small imperfections throughout my frame and before I knew it I was spending my free time in front of my closet door and mirrors. I did get a venear for my front tooth but the color was off and still grayish. I finally came home from college after three years and one huge broken spirit. I had experienced a devistating loss and kinda went into a slump. (I did however get back down to a size four as I mourned my loss) I met Grayson shortly after returning home and soon I was in love and began again obsessing about my appearance (dang self image issues). For 2 years I wondered day and night if Gray liked me and if he thought I was cute. I wondered if I could shed the 10 lbs I gained from our weekend outtings and I continued in my old ways...rarely washing off my make up and liking my sweats a little too much.

And now to the present.... 25 lbs heavier than college and wrinkled in noticeable places. As I have started to eat better and exercise (still kicking my white butt) I have realized that I kind of let myself go. I felt somewhat comfortable with myself again and loved my snacks a lot. I mean you only live once right? So after 26.5 years of living I now worry constantly about my appearance and spend countless hours evaluating my forehead wrinkles. I look at my side profile and sigh when I realize it is going to be a long road to my former near perfectness. And I have come to the conclusion that when I do reach that state again I will probably get prego right away and begin the process all over again. So here is the big news...I am sick of worrying about how I look. I will lose weight and I will conquer my wrinkles. I will enjoy my life and love my body. I will take it one day at a time. I will think of my appearance less and of others more. And I will overcome...as soon as I can stop obsessing about being overly self conscious!