What's in a name...?

It really was the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't take a breath for at least 30 seconds and when I finally did I cried like no tomorrow. Mind you it has been a good long time since I had a good cry but I still couldn't believe it. How could this happen to me? I am generally a good person and I try to do what is right. I think it all comes down to the fact that I talk too much. Seriously I am heartbroken. Now I am sure most of you will think that I am foolish or silly for going on like this but I will let you in on a little secret... I have kinda been down in the dumps lately and when this happened I just lost all hope... My sister in law had a healthy baby girl yesterday rah rah fun and games. Gray's mom called last night to tell us and announced the baby's name. Blakelee.... THAT'S RIGHT....it is the name I had chosen. I mean crazy yes because no one can really claim a name but this was a name that I had written in journal entries and scribbled down as my #1 fave for years. I even read a journal entry last night from 6 years ago... my girl friend Renee was engaged.... 2003.... and her soon to be hubby was talking about a friend of his named Blakelee. I wrote that down then and there as the name I would call my first child... I absolutely love(d) it. It was so unique and cute. Ever since I have jotted it down, checked different spellings, and tried to rhyme it will dirty words (bullies these days are heinous) The trouble began at Christmas when I mentioned this name at my sister in laws house. We went over for some appetizers and fun and since she was prego I was talking about names I loved. I blurted about Blakelee and went on for hours about the joy I felt when I heard that name. OK maybe it wasn't like that but I seriously ranted about it for at least a minute and I made it clear about my love affair with that name. Blame it on pregnancy memory loss or coniving forces I have no control over. Yesterday my world fell apart..... At first I was really surprised about how upset I was over this but after thinking for a while it all made sense. There were a few other contributing factors to this melt down...

First I had applied for some teaching jobs and I was really confident that I would get called. Didn't happen. Then my hours at work got cut ever more ( I am down to 20 hours a week). I have been sort of sick again too which is just awful because I haven't really been healthy since we moved here. I have been stressing about money and student loans and I have noticed my forehead wrinkles a lot more lately. To say it lightly I am missing my family and I need way more girl time and I don't like my job. Then on Sunday in Young Womens I had to hold back tears because our lesson was on mothers and how important women are today and I have no children yet. I stare at babies way too long and I am convinced that the 20 extra lbs I am sporting around my mid section is for protection of my uterus. I dream of babies and more importantly I dream of baby girls named Blakelee. This is more than a coincidence. It is just plain wrong. I mean what are the chances of the name that you have grown to love and cherish would end up being used on your new niece? So the baby is Blakelee Jean....what about BILLY Jean or BLUE Jean? Those names are just as unique and cute. But to use the name that I shouted out to the world.... I am just plain sad. I still plan on using the name but now I will be that tacky stubborn wife of Grayson who is so pathetically lame... My child and I will be shunned at Michel family reunions and I just barely got the rest of Gray's family kinda liking me. There is no winning with this one. You may laugh and tell me I am silly but this is just the last straw. I actually made myself sick last night thinking about it and I didn't sleep a wink. To say that there is more to this situation would be correct but right now all I am able to focus on is that little angel in heaven who is waiting for me to be her mommy. She is now slightly nameless (ok that may be going too far but I am in crisis). I should clarify that the name of my first baby girl WILL BE Blakelee (Blakely or Blakeley) and I plan to copyright all the other names I have chosen as well. Next time I am talking to any of you about babies and names, shut me up fast! I just can't handle any more disappointment.